Depleted Mother Syndrome

A dental abscess can be a trying situation, where the infection that broke through the body’s defence mechanism starts to show up as a swelling on the gums or cheeks. Even though, early on, signs may have shown up — like irregular pain, lingering pain — once the defence mechanism of the body is exhausted, we will visibly see the end result of this internal imbalance.

Best would be to prevent this from happening totally, or to seek help from the first signs of discomfort. Many times, it is pushed aside — maybe due to fear, maybe due to “I have no time, later,” or maybe due to other reasons, including finance.

Recently, while reading about “Depleted Mother Syndrome,” dental abscess kept playing out in my mind. Let me explain why.

An abscess is the visible output of our body’s defence. Once it has reached a limit, the abscess breaks out and drains through the least resistance pathway in our bone, appearing as a swelling, with redness, pain and exhaustion.

Though Depleted Mother Syndrome is not an official medical or psychological term, this term — along with parental/maternal burnout — has been used to describe an increasing state of being, the earliest description seen in the 1970s.

This syndrome is an amalgamation of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. Factors playing into this being high expectations, from self and/or society, lack of emotional support, absence of community, chronic stress and illness, and finance, to name some.

The least resistance pathway to drain the bottled emotion of a drained person customarily becomes children — who were not meant to carry the spill-out of our unresolved internal past or confusing present in the first place.

While sheltering fully is not what is meant here, when children have to flavour unresolved emotions or parental depletion, the stage has been set for a generational handover of trouble and dysfunction.

This made me write some notes to my younger self, and my not-so-younger self. Hope it helps.

1. Centre of gravity shifts as life changes. And then balance becomes an art and a calculated movement. We are not meant to have everything; work-life balance is actually work-life calibration. Looking for the balance will exhaust you.
2. Choose your FOMO. Choose what we are “willing to miss out” and prioritise our own wellbeing. Choosing to work, not work, or reduce work — all has its FOMO, but we choose what is best for our circumstance and be proud of it.
3. There is no comparison. No two women or families are the same. You know best what is best, along with praying all the way.
4. Let go of anything or anyone that does not serve you. Our younger self will face people or institutions that make you doubt yourself. Move or distance yourself from anything that is taking away your personal joy, purity and clarity of thought.
5. It is fine if something went out of plan. It is fine if you overslept, the kids did not brush, you did not finish your tasks. Some days it’s not meant to be — we can always make it up later. Also reflect on what you can do to help yourself, and not always blame yourself.
6. Prioritise spiritual and physical well-being, which will help in emotional and mental well-being. We do not need a crisis to wake up; rather, gratitude and consistency in honouring this space helps us to bloom, no matter the weather.
7. Be honest and critical of your circumstances. From time to time, take a personal insight into what is working, what needs change, what can be adjusted, and where our time and energy should flow more — and take appropriate decisions, even if it does not conform with the general narration. Recalibrating from time to time is needed for the homeostasis (balance) of self and family.
8. We are not victims of motherhood. We are rather crafters of the next generation. Work policies and societal conditioning may state otherwise, but looking at the role of a mother as the strategist and action-taker behind tomorrow’s success needs a winning investor mindset, not a victim one.
9. Children are not going to be the same every time. They will evolve from something that clinged to you, to someone who will stand up taller than you and speak their mind to you. Embrace this beautiful individual in front of you, nurture them, guide them and enjoy their growth. And when they are big enough to move on, make your deep missing of them into deep prayers for them, and be proud that this individual came about through your many calibrations — and whatever the result may be, your efforts are Recorded and with Him, never forgotten.
10. You are not meant to be alone in this. Family and community is a blessing. Take help and talk when needed. It is definitely the village — and accepting the village, and taking what is good and suitable from it — that is missing.

However much we plan for the future, the many turns till now have to make us understand that we cannot fully prepare for our future to the dot. But what we can prepare is the resilience and mindset that will help us face our future with gratitude and well-being.